Dedicated to my daughter Lara,

They have always told me that “You’ll understand when you become parents” but I had never believed that. Actually bringing up a child is the hardest art probably. Start with; a very beautiful, defenceless, innocent creation comes to your hands although even you cannot put yourself out of the childhood. It is completely dependent to you. She/he doesn’t eat if you don’t give, and he/she gets cold when you don’t cover it. At first you panic. Is it mine?

What have I done for deserving such a pretty thing?

Later when you looking in the eye of each other you grow up one generation. A miracle which you can be a model with everything that you do and to which you can give real unconditional love even you cannot love yourself unconditionally; is in your hands.

Then a period of struggle starts. How should I approach to this miracle, who should I behave, what should I give and how much should I give? Adjusting the balance of giving can be a problem sometimes. Sometimes we fall into a trap in these times. The trap of I should make it live because I didn’t achieve it. While giving something you try to make balances in a style that she/he can understands the value of what he/she takes. Actually you experience your childhood which has not grown, within your child’s identity; and maybe exaggerative.

I had panicked during my spiritual studies when I first saw that people faced with traumatic experiences during their childhood mostly. I revised my life like an observer with the fear that “What kind of traumas do we make our child to face?” But later I saw that whatever you do which you deem to be right, humans can traumatize it for creating experiences. This was a great relaxation for me. Because how can people make a creation to face with bad experiences whom he/she loves more than himself/herself.

The thing that brings me relief is that.

Every child is born with already knowing his/her family and purposefully. It comes to the world experience by making contracts for arranging the environment and family group which can create the experiences required for its personal development. You arrange him/her the experimental environment which he/she expects

Another fact is that, whatever you provide the best environmental conditions for your child, your child evaluates the life accordingly to his/her perspective after looking at the events from his/her window. Whichever is the best for you may cause a traumatic experience for them. The thing you can do for your child is to do the best thing that you can.  Only the best thing… There is nothing else expected from you.

A very important evolutionary rule should not be forgotten. Whatever it is you lived with your parents, it is a great possibility of you to create the same style experiences for your child. Therefore for not transferring the bad experiences which was created on you and you aware of, to your child, you need to break this chain. Otherwise this cycle will be transferred from you to your child and from him/her to the future generations.  There is one thing which is good is that this cycle is not destiny. Of it is broken, new relationship patterns may be healthier.

The most important emotion inside of us all is the instinct of protection.  We sometimes even try to get involved in all areas of our children under the parenthesis of protection. Of course human desires to protect its most precious treasure.  However, we should not forget that our child is an individual.

We should grow our children as an individual on their own feet and strong.

We never forget that our children are born in a structure which is much further than us in terms of spiritual development. There are so many thing that we will learn from them but not they from us. Once, we see our purity which we forgot, at their shiny eyes. One single word that they say in most unexpected times, teaches you the meaning of life. They provide us to experience the conscious of unity which is forgotten by the burdens and roles that adulthood lays to us.

In my opinion the best thing that we can give to our child is an environment filled with full of love. Love which unconditional and unrequited.

They have come here to experience themselves and to create. Not for doing what we have done of performing our desires.

What we need to do is to provide all our support and love for their development.

But with letting them to be themselves.

Be in love

Erkan Sarıyıldız.