You may see that very big changes are happening in the social structure. The periods of having a long lasting marriage have passed. The divorcing rates are so high. People have started afraid of marriage. Marriage has become a phobia on people who see many people having bad marriages. Some, on the other hand, with the approach of “Leaving back instead of keeping on mind”, decide to quickly finish the marriage before it grows.

Human being is a social creature.

This expression is true but many of us don’t perform the necessities of being social.

Bilateral relations are the best areas that a person can know himself/herself. You can observe the reflections of our internal world as the dynamics of the relations in each relationship. There are many handicapped points in bilateral relations. We all cheat ourselves so much within the relationship pattern that we created in our minds. Dozens of lies that we make us believe.

“ I know you very well”

No one can know anyone very well. Only thinks that he/she knows. We mostly forget that we are a perfect creature having thousands of features. We forget that, it is our personnel filters that prevent us from knowing actually. We are cheating ourselves by assuming that the status of the person after having caught by our filters and judgements as “that person”.

“My spouse should have these characteristic.”

When you choose you the person in front of you as your wife/husband, did you choose him/her just for being him/her, or being fitted with the “should be” patterns?

We all give a long list  to the universe, concerning the characteristics that the person whom we will chose as our spouse should have.

“ He/she will respect me”

“ Her/his hair will be…..”

“ He/she will be… he/she must have a career.

“He/she will buy me a present on special days.”

“ He/she will wear … kind of clothes.”

And hundreds of more requests

Have you ever think how selfish these requests are.

We all assert the characteristics of the person who we have relation, which are suitable for us and make us feel better.

Isn’t the essence is to experience the person on his/her own and let him/her be on its own?

I’d like to share a metaphor which I live bry much ( Don Migual Ruiz, The Mastery of Love)

There are some among us which has pets. Do you try to make your cat behave like a dog when you actually want to feed  a dog. Is this possible? Is there any solution other than buying a dog instead of a cat?

Can you make yourself believe that the cat in your house is actually a dog? I am sure that these all seem to you nonsense and that you’re surprised how cat-dog metaphor is somehow contained in subject related to the relations. Then, why don’t we accept the people we are with as they are instead of trying them to be like the way that we desire? You should believe that this subject is the basic problem in most of the marriages.

There is a habit of giving hundreds of idealized promises during the first periods of the relation. We all like to tell our best features in order to make the other party think the best and idealist about us. After that, when the marriage process begins and we start to show our actual characteristics, problems start to emerge. The relation transforms into a battle for power. If you are lucky, the marriage will continue in spite of these tough conditions.  If challenge becomes tiring and boring, you just give up and leave. I have just tod you a classic marriage haven’t I? Then why don’t we let us and the person in front of us be the person who he/she actually is? The answer is simple. Because we even don’t accept and love ourselves enough.

For a person to shift into a level of thought, he/she should accept himself/herself in all ways and dimensions firstly. A person con not accept any other person as he/she is before accepting himself/herself. Just like not able to love anyone without loving himself/herself.

Experiencing the perfect person before us without judging, questioning, labelling and trying to change him/her, in other words preferring the being effortless, is the best way. Experience your own authentic structure and take and give only love. We actually choose to spend our best days in a challenging mood without enjoying the relation since we are opposing against the natural. Don’t bother these because life worth living in all ways. Let’s fully enjoy this opportunity for experiencing love and yourself. Let you and your love to bloom in your own ways.

Be in love

Erkan Sarıyıldız

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